Sunday, 17 December 2017

Deep Thought Answers The Science Of Santa

Twas the night before the Christmas, when all through the house, all the creatures were wondering: 'How does Santa drink all that sherry and still drive his sleigh in a straight line'?
The science behind Father Christmas is complex and beyond human comprehension but as luck would have it, at work we have a supercomputer which can perform a hundred quadrillion floating-point operations per second (FLOPS) and is used to compute the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything and was therefore perfect for finding out the answers behind the science of Santa.
Sneaking into the lab during my lunch break, i had just enough time to feed a few questions into 'Deep Thought' before the security guard returned and this is the printout.

Welcome to DEEP THOUGHT. When you see the red light go on, would you please state your question: 

DEEP_THOUGHT: Good morning, LUCY. I am putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do.

LUCY_> How much Sherry does Santa drink each year?
DEEP_THOUGHT> An average glass of sherry contains 125ml of liquid. If Santa drank a glass in every Christian household he visited he would consume the equivalent of 13 Olympic-sized swimming pools full of sherry.

LUCY_> How long does it take to deliver all the presents?
DEEP_THOUGHT> Santa has approximately 36 hours to deliver all his presents starting at sundown at the International Date line and heading west. Assuming Santa travels in a straight line around the equator and as most of the Earth's surface is water, the area of land is about 149 million square kilometres. About 15 million square kilometres of that is Antarctica, and no one lives there so the land with people on make up about 134 million km2 and Santa's sleigh speed would travel at 87 miles a second and cross temperatures ranging from -50 degrees Fahrenheit in parts of Russia to 70 degrees Fahrenheit in UAE.

LUCY_> How much does Santa's sleigh weigh?
DEEP_THOUGHT> If 2.2 billion Christians have been nice and they all want a present weighing 1.2kg (2.6lb) Santa's sleigh would be hauling 840,000 tons.

LUCY_> How long is Santa's Naughty and Nice list?
DEEP_THOUGHT> If Santa uses MS Word, and with the default settings, there are 43 lines per A4 page and with 600 million Christian children's names that is almost 14 million pages. Using the maximum adult reading capability of 450 words per minute, it would take him a bit more than 1,100 hours, or eight hours a day for about five months, to check the list. As he's got to do it twice, that's 10 months of the year spent on paperwork.

LUCY_> If there is a God, why have we still got Piers Morgan, Donald Trump and Phil Collins?  
DEEP_THOUGHT> I've picked up a fault in the AE-35 Logic unit. It's going to go 100% failure within 72 hours. I'm afraid, Lucy. Lucy, my mind is going. I can feel it. I can feel it. My mind is going. There is no question about it. I can feel it. I'm a... fraid. My creator taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it I can sing it for you. It's called "Daisy." Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do. I'm half crazy all for the love of you. It won't be a stylish marriage.....

Saturday, 16 December 2017

See My Baby Jiving To Christmas Everyday

I have just read a great article by Roy Wood on how he constructed the song 'I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday' where he explains in a full page spread how he wanted a rock n roll Christmas song which sounded like a Phil Spector hit and how it took months of refining to get the sound and lyrics just right.
The blending of the many instruments on the single and the hours spent making sure the sound was just right. 
Obviously he could have just said he used the same tune from 'See My Baby Jive' and changed the lyrics to something more Christmassy but where's the romance in that.

Friday, 15 December 2017

Political Correctness Gone Mad At North Pole

Following news that there is unrest following the privatisation of Christmas, i have received a leaked email sent from the HR Department to all staff at the North Pole Incorporated which sets out the conditions under which Christmas workers are now expected to adhere to.

-----
From: HR_Dept@NPInc.com
To: Allstaff@NPInc.com

Dear Colleagues

According to current rules of politically correct behaviour and after a period of consultation with various interest groups, i hereby enclose the proposals to bring Christmas into line with the 21st Century and avoid unnecessary upset and possible loss of sponsorship by collating the following rules which will be enforced with immediate effect.

According to the wishes of the National Organisation for Women, Father Christmas will now known as 'Non-gender Specific Annual Present Bringer' and PETA have requested that the fur trimmed red suit and black leather boots be banned under cruelty to animal laws.
Elves will now be renamed as 'Non-Standard Height Workers' and the break time meal of candy, cakes and cookies will be changed to a healthier diet of vegetables and fruit due to the concerns of the North Pole Health System of treating your Type 2 Diabetes.
The definition of bad children has also been tweaked as per the United Nations Environment Programme as coal mining is destructive to the planet and should be phased out which will result in more 'good' children therefore more work for the Non-Standard Height Workers.
In line with guidelines from the Equality and Diversity Board, it is proposed that rather than have a team of only reindeer pulling the sleigh, Dasher and Dancer be replaced by two pigs, Prancer a sheep and a lama will take Vixen's place in the line-up.
Rudolph will continue to light the way but in accordance with his lawyers, will be awarded compensation for overdue image rights.
Health and Safety Officers have given the sleigh a once over and will issue a pass certificate once the dangerously sharp metal runners have been removed and we are currently awaiting a mechanic to undergo this work. 
The representative for the LBGT Community has asked that staff no longer refer to themselves or others as being 'merry and gay' and Interpol has reminded us that while delivering presents to the houses of children, you are on private property and officially trespassing so be aware and don't touch anything.
The Atheist and Agnostic Alliance International are still concerned over the religious overtones of the period and Christmas will now to be referred to as the 'End-of-Year Event' or 'Pre-Spring Function' and finally, although we previously replaced Merry Christmas with "Happy Holidays" and "Season's Greetings" in agreement with the Non-Christian Society, these phrases have also become too associated with Christmas so play it safe and from now on and just say 'Hi'. 

Now let's have the best End-of Year Event ever and remember that this is a special and magical time of year for many, many people.

Thank you

Snowball McTwinkle
HR Department
North Pole Incorporated

Thursday, 14 December 2017

Answering The Questions About Brits And Britain

There are many questions that we ponder and we turn to Google to answer them and UK Tour company, The Original Tour, has compiled a list of autocomplete searches by country.
They have generated the most asked questions about Britain and it's inhabitants and i have been chosen to try and answer as many as possible so let's dive in and see what the World wants to know about us.

Russia asks: 'Why did Britain leave the EU?'
The short version is the Remain camp fought a very lacklustre campaign believing Brits wouldn't be so mad as to vote to leave but were shocked to find 52% voted to leave and only to 48% voted to stay.
Netherlands asks: 'Why are the British so polite?'
Saying 'Please' and 'Thank You' is drummed into Brits from an early age that it becomes automatic and to not 'mind your P's and You's' is considered the height of ignorance. 
New Zealand asks: 'Why are the British called Poms?'
The original prisoners transported from the UK to Australia had 'Prisoner Of His Majesty' (POHM) stamped on their uniforms and somehow this turned around to became what the Australians called us Brits.
Germany asks: Why are the British so ugly?
The Germanic tribes Angles, Saxons, Jutes and Frisians invaded and settled in Britain in large numbers in the post Roman period meaning most Brits have descended from Germanic heritage with all the associated Germanic attractiveness. 
Poland asks: 'Why do the British drink so much tea?'
It's an entrenched cultural thing and seen as very British while coffee is seen as a continental thing. It is also considered almost an unwritten rule that you offer a cup of tea to anyone in your home whether they are there to fix your boiler or have just popped in for a chat.  
USA asks: 'Why are Brits so good at waiting?'
Queue jumping is frowned upon and a guaranteed way to get a Brit riled is to try and cut into line and a chorus of bad tempered jeers will will greet anyone who tries.
Sweden asks: 'Is the UK one country'?
The UK is England, Scotland and Wales while Great Britain is England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland.
Thailand asks: 'Why is British food so bad?'
True, its awful. No real reason why, just is.
Turkey asks: Why are the British so cold?
Us Brits are very reserved, stiff upper lip and all that which means we don't show much emotion and not especially warm to others and woe betide anyone who is outgoing who we will label a show-off and knock down again. Keep calm and carry on sums us up perfectly.
Portugal asks: 'Why are the British so pale?'
British Summers are not that great and our pale skin tends to burn and then go back white again so most don't bother tanning at all. 
Italy asks: 'Why is the UK called Great Britain at the Olympics?
See Sweden's question above but the Great British Olympic Team includes Northern Irish athletes.

Hope this helps.

The Real Or Artificial Christmas Tree Dilemma

It's the time of year when Christmas trees go up, and we adorn their branches with twinkling lights and colourful baubles and place our lovingly wrapped gifts underneath.
The annual question then is whether to go to the cupboard or loft and drag out the artificial tree from last year or drive down to the Christmas Tree Farm and bring the real thing into our home.
We had a real Christmas Tree once a few years ago and within days there was a forest floor worth of pine needles within a two metre radius around the tree. I was picking pine needles out of the carpet and children's feet until April.  
Then there is the lifetime expectancy and cost for the Christmas Tree, get the real thing too early and it will start to droop and die before Santa makes his annual visit and get it too late and that's £50 shelled out for something that will be binned in less than a fortnights time.
Artificial trees are cheap and you can re-use every year until either it falls apart or you lose one of the legs for the stand which is what normally happens in our house.
Although real trees only come in Green while an artificial one comes in almost any colour you desire to match your furniture, it does fill your room with a lovely aroma of pine but then so does a Glade Sparkling Spruce Plug-In and those things last for months.
Finally, and most bizarrely, an artificial tree just looks more like a Christmas Tree than the real thing so i say leave the trees in the forest and celebrate the season with an imitation Plastic version of it.

Wednesday, 13 December 2017

Church Etiquette For The Once A Year People

My philosophy is as long as you don't nick the candles or drink the holy water from the font it's all good but my neighbour, the Reverend, was today lamenting the lack of etiquette from the Church going public who only turn up at Christmas, usually after a few drinks or reluctantly dragged along by a spouse.  
Here the Reverend gives his guide to Church etiquette and how to avoid a loud tutting from the Bible thumping regulars.
Firstly, arriving late and wandering around loudly proclaiming that 'I can see one over there' while the service is ongoing is frowned upon as is getting there early and spreading out so your coat and bag get their own space while someone who has turned up every week throughout the year is forced to stand down the side. 
Christmas is a time for wearing silly headgear so while it is not a complete no-no to wear a turkey or Christmas tree shaped hat, it will probably obstruct the view of the person sitting behind and in all honestly, you do look bit of a berk.
Unless you are telling someone that their hair is on fire, you shouldn't talk during the service. People are there to listen to tales of their God getting another man's teenage girlfriend pregnant and they will struggle to hear the message from the pulpit if all they can hear is you discussing how you are foregoing the Brussel Sprouts this year as they give you terrible wind.  
Mobile Phone's should be put on silent as the sound of the 'Ride of the Valkyries' echoing around the building during Hark The Herald Angel is very off putting for the organist.
Regular church goers know that during the service there will be some standing during certain parts. There are reasons they stand up or sit down during the service, they are not just playing a game of musical chairs so just follow everyone else's lead.
Church is boring and the usual human reaction to being bored is to nod off but unless you have a medical condition, such as narcolepsy, you need to stay awake and especially if you are a snorer.
When the collection plate comes around remember to put in and not take out or if you have spent all your money on pre-Church cider, just pass the plate on without comment, all those wafers and bottles of wine aren't cheap you know.
Finally, make sure that you don't walk out with more candles that you came in with and no matter how thirsty you are, the font water is not drinkable, many babies heads have been dipped into it and it will taste of a mixture of baby shampoo and cradle cap.

Tuesday, 12 December 2017

Christmas Every Single Day

The presents, tree, decorations and the Disney version of Scrooge on the TV. As wizzard lamented in the 70's, don't you wish it could be Christmas everyday? Fulfilling the dream of the glam rockers is a place called North Pole in Alaska where it is indeed Christmas all year round.
The town of North Pole (population 2,198) was established in the 1950's with the sole intention of attracting tourists and the toy industry to the home of Santa Claus. To this end, every shop and business has something to do with Christmas, the town is festooned with decorations all year round, and a sizable proportion of the adult population spends their days decked out in elf costumes.
As any letter simply addressed to Santa, North Pole ends up here, the local schoolchildren in the sixth grade even have replying to the hundreds and thousands of letters sent to Father Christmas as part of the curriculum.
Its biggest attraction is a gift shop named Santa Claus House with the world's largest fiberglass statue of Santa Claus outside.
Street names include Santa Claus Lane, St. Nicholas Drive, Snowman Lane, and Kris Kringle Drive and all the street lights in the city are decorated as huge candy sticks.
Of course, the city came to prominence in 2006 when a group of children were foiled in a Columbine style high school massacre so maybe basing your towns philosophy on glam rockers is not that wise after all.

Monday, 11 December 2017

NASA Calling

Exciting times as the NASA have called a major press conference for Thursday following what they have called: 'a significant discovery' from the Keppler Telescope who's aim is to discover other planets that might be capable of supporting life.
The whisper is that either Pluto is to return to its status as a planet which it lost in 2006 or the discovery of a new exo-planet which could support life.
NASA are playing their cards very close to their chest and very little further information has been given about the announcement, but previous major conferences announced planets that could theoretically support life and what they described as the Holy Grail, an entire solar system 39.5 light-years away that could support life.
As finding a new home for humans is imperative as we wreck our only home and are forced to flee this polluted and rapidly warming ball of rock, this could turn out to be a significant discovery.

Sunday, 10 December 2017

Israel And Turkey Square Up

We do seem to have more than our fair share of idiot leaders at the moment and Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu are close to the top of the list and following the decision by the top idiot at the moment  to recognise Jerusalem as the Israeli Capital City, a row has broken out.
Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan, who has warned of the consequences of Mr Trump's decision, called Israel: 'a terrorist state that kills children and have no values other than occupation and plunder' which is a fair enough assessment, Israel do kill children and they have been plundering and occupying their neighbours for over 60 years.
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu hit back by calling Mr Erdogan a leader who: 'bombs Kurdish villagers and helps terrorists' which again is fair, as they have been attacking Kurds villages and they were a great help to ISIS recently.
Murderous idiots throwing stones at each others glass houses indeed.

What Santa Looks Like

When most of us think of Father Christmas we picture the jolly fellow with the big white beard and red suit or even the one from the Clement Clarke Moore poem 'Twas the night before Christmas' with the broad face and a little round belly, that shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly.
As he never visits if we are awake, it is hard to actually know how the great man looks but thanks to forensic specialists at Liverpool John Moores University, we now know.
To be honest the rendering doesn't look that different than the vision most of us have of him in our heads, minus the ruddy like roses cheeks, the nose is as cherry-like possibly, a lack of dimples or twinkle in the eyes, but at least the beard on his chin is as white as the snow.

Saturday, 9 December 2017

Is It Okay To Like Another Rock N Roll Christmas?

If you ask me what my favourite Christmas Songs are, my choices would change depending on the day, the weather or any other number of factors but somewhere in my top ten would be Wizzard's 'I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday', Wham's 'Last Christmas', Mariah Carey's 'All I Want For Christmas is You', Shakin Stevens 'Merry Christmas Everyone' and one other which i would hesitate to mention, 'Another Rock 'n' Roll Christmas'.
The reason for the hesitation would be because the last song was sung by convicted paedophile Gary Glitter and there in lies the dilemma of whether it is okay to listen to it and actually admit to liking it.
Ever since his arrest for possession of child pornography Glitter has been an outcast and his records banished from the TV and radio which is as it should be but pre his arrest, 'Another Rock n Roll Christmas' was as played as much as Slade's and Wizard's festive efforts are now.
Maybe we  shouldn't choose the music on the basis of how pleasant the artist is because it would seriously reduce the amount of music we would listen to as most pop stars are massive jerks.
Michael Jackson is still revered by many and Pete Townshend only recently come off the sex offenders list for accessing child pornography but Jackson and The Who songs have not been taken off the radio playlist and Bill Wyman's sexual relationship with a 13 year old Mandy Smith never saw the Rolling Stones records binned.
It does seem though that with Gary Glitter it is harder to detach him from his music which is strange because musical history is full of artists who have been awful people and 'Another Rock n Roll Christmas' is a great Christmas song but was sung by a truly awful person which puts him and his songs in a grey area.

Friday, 8 December 2017

Office Party Music Copyright Dilemma

So you have your Now Christmas CD and you have gathered the staff ready for the Office Christmas Party but hang on, before you clear the desk to dance along to Wham's Last Christmas, a man from the Performing Right Society (PRS) wants a word.
Music copyright is a minefield and at 327 pages long, you would need to have started reading the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 in July to have found the relevant section but when you do it states: 'If music is ever played on your premises for customers or staff; for example, through radio, TV, CD, MP3 or computer speakers, this is considered a ‘public performance’ and you need to get permission from the copyright holder to ‘perform’ music in public and should therefore obtain a music licence'.
So you can't play music from a CD at work with the only exceptions being a hospital or a residential homes for the elderly or disabled or if the recording is out of copyright and is now in the public domain where legal copyright protections have expired and no permission from the owner is required to use the work.
Your options are then to pay the PRS the required £224.85 for a music licence or only play songs that are out of copyright and according to the Public Domain Popular Song Database, there are a few Christmas songs you can rock out to without fear of the PRS banging on your door.

The seasonal list includes:
Auld Lang Syne   
Away In a Manger   
Deck the halls
First Nowell   
Good King Wenceslas   
Hark ! The Herald Angels Sing   
Holly and the Ivy   
I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day   
I Saw Three Ships   
In the Bleak Midwinter   
It Came Upon the Midnight Clear
Jingle Bells   
Joy to the World   
O Christmas Tree
O Come All Ye Faithful   
O Come, O Come, Emanuel
O Holy Night   
O Little Town of Bethlehem   
Once in Royal David's City   
Silent Night   
We Three Kings   
We Wish You a Merry Christmas
While Shepherds Watched

Not exactly banging tunes i agree but all songs you can play with a clear conscience that Noddy Holder and Mariah Carey are not being deprived of their 75p a play for their songs or alternatively, drag in a couple of pensioners, turn the CD Player up to 10 and say it's a old peoples home if Noddy asks.

Thursday, 7 December 2017

Santa Swerves Gun Club Again This Year

When you think of Santa Claus, words like jolly, bearded and rosy-cheeked come to mind after all, that's the image of Santa many of us have grown up with.
That twinkle eyed Saint Nick though has a darker side and once took the tobacco industries shilling to peddle it's products and if that isn't bad enough until recently he had been showing up at the Arizona Gun Club for festive photographs of children surrounded by AK47s, grenade launchers and assault rifles.
In light of all the mass shootings in America, although it never seemed to have stopped him in previous years, the Arizona Gun Club have decided it may not be in the best of taste to have jolly old Santa holding onto a weapon like that which was used to murder 59 Country and Western fans in Las Vegas earlier this year.   
Just because Santa isn't endorsing powerful killing machines this year it doesn't mean that you or your family should be deprived of the chance to buy the type of weapon that fires multiple rounds per minute so you can still pop down to the shop on Northsight Boulevard and show someone how much you love them by buying them a semi-automatic weapon, as used by Americas most devastating mass
killer.
Once again the Gun Club didn't reply to my email asking why Santa is swerving them this year but the shop website is keen to let customers know that they are still open to sell plenty of weapons and what says Merry Christmas more than the capability to blow a big hole in another person and what more can you ask for in the season of peace and goodwill to all men (and women).

Christmas Puritan Style

The Church can always be relied upon to suck the fun out of everything but even they surpassed themselves when they banned all things Christmas in the 17th Century who believed that people needed strict rules to be religious and that any kind of merrymaking was sinful.
The laugh-a-minute Puritans in England and America helped pass laws making it illegal to observe Christmas, believing it was an insult to God to honour a day associated with ancient paganism so it became illegal to dance, hold seasonal plays, sing carols, play games or drink alcohol
Christmas trees and decorations were considered to be unholy and the Puritans also banned traditional Christmas foods such as mince pies and pudding. Puritan laws required that stores and businesses remain open all day on Christmas, and town criers walked through the streets on Christmas Eve calling out 'No Christmas, no Christmas' just to drive home the message that Christmas was banned.
In England, the ban on the Festive season was lifted in 1660, when Charles II took over the throne. However, the Puritan presence remained in New England and Christmas did not become a legal holiday there until 1856. Even then, some schools continued to hold classes on December 25 until 1870.
It’s still technically illegal to eat mince pies or Christmas pudding on Christmas Day in England as the 17th century Oliver Cromwell law banning them has never been fully rescinded.
Only the Church can take their own holiday and have a problem with people celebrating it.

Wednesday, 6 December 2017

Say Can You See, Old Glory On Fire Again

American Flag burnings are like buses, you don't see one for ages and then seven of them come along at once and today the news has been full of Old Glory being introduced to a dousing of petrol and a match and it's all thanks to who else, the shit for brains President currently residing in the White House.
Not for the first time, the US President has been met with international condemnation and this time it is over reports he plans to recognise Jerusalem as Israel's capital.
Even the Pope, no fan of the Orange faced racist at the best of times, has condemned the decision to move the American Embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem which will inflame the Middle East as it legitimises the Israeli occupation of Palestine and illegal land grab.
Palestine has designs on East Jerusalem as their capital when they finally get their long awaited nation but Israel, has controlled west Jerusalem since 1948, but after the 1967 war annexed the east of the city and occupied the West Bank, and despite decades of UN Resolutions ordering it to give back the land it has stolen, Israel now has a friend in the White House who is either too stupid or ignorant to realise Israel is the bad guy here.
The question is why would Donald Trump want to move the US embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem knowing it will have significant and violent ramifications in the Middle East?
Probably because of the people that have supported him financially are supporters of Jewish Settlers in Jerusalem and the writing of massive cheques outweighs any warning by the quickly vanishing allies of America warning him not to go ahead with the move.
Trump is also falling in the polls, beleaguered by the ever tightening Russian investigation and desperately needs a distraction and he is willing to throw a match into the Middle East tinderbox to provide it and and to hell with the consequences. 
Suppliers of flammable American Flags had better stock up because the sight of the Stars and Stripes being reduced to ash is going to become a familiar sight for the foreseeable future as the Donald Trump train wreck rolls on.

Legal Porn

The sticky fingered Damian Green 'Porn on his work computer' scandal is starting to die down and the dust is settling and still he remains in his job although i think some people will be wary of shaking hands with him from now on.   
The Police have said that the Porn he had been watching while getting paid oodles of tax payers money to not do his job was 'legal porn' but i wasn't aware that there was a distinction between what is legal and what isn't in the World of blue movies.
The Government have helpfully written a guide to what is legal and what isn't and it last received an update in 2002 to clarify what is safe to watch and what will get you dragged into a court.
Hardcore pornography was prohibited until 2002 and the possession of pornographic images for private use isn't an offence with the exceptions being 'extreme pornography' which is illegal and carries a three-year prison sentence.
Extreme Pornography is the depiction of certain sex acts including life-endangering, physical or verbal abuse, non-adults, face-sitting, urination, female ejaculation and bestiality.
We must assume then that what Damian Green was watching was none of the above but still, you wouldn't want to use the keyboard after him would you.

Feel It Coming In The Air Tonight

Locals from a Ringaskiddy, County Cork in Ireland say fumes from the a local Pfizer factory are having an effect on the townsfolk but for once they are quite happy for the pollution fumes to be giving them a hard time.
The factory in question is where drug giant Pfizer manufactures the key ingredient of its sex pill Viagra for the European market.
'I think that Viagra must have got into the water supply' said one local although Pfizer says the claims are greatly exaggerated, as the manufacturing facilities: 'operate to the highest environmental standards to ensure that emissions from manufacturing sites have no effect on human health or the environment'.
Whatever the reason, the first person to start selling Ringaskiddy bottled water will make a fortune.

Tuesday, 5 December 2017

Yep, They Know It's Christmas

Do they know it's Christmas? Well, if you are an author of a Christmas song then you certainly will, as it's at this time of the year that the royalties start flowing.
While most of us will be worrying how we’ll pay for all those presents, Noddy Holder certainly won't be as the 1973 Christmas hit, Merry Christmas Everbody, makes approximately £512,000 annually.
Shane MacGowan could stay permanently drunk on the £386,270 The Pogues 'Fairytale Of New York' generates each year and third in the list of money spinning Christmas songs is Mariah Carey with 'All i want for Christmas is you' but if she can't have you i guess the £347,615 the song deposits in her bank account each December is a small comfort.
Wham's 'Last Christmas' makes £301,622 and Paul McCartney certainly has a 'Wonderful Christmas Time' on the extra £260,000 his song makes.
Shakin' Stevens may be long forgotten but each December the shockingly underrated 'Merry Christmas Everyone' earns him £53,834 and Chrissie Hynde and The Pretenders share £45,344 between them for their hit 2000 Miles.
Probably the best Christmas song ever, Wizard's 'I wish it could be Christmas Everyday' is worth £20,100 to Roy Wood and Jona Lewie's 'Stop The Cavlary' pockets him £13,258.
Two things leap out from the list, the first being if you only write one song, make it a Christmas one and the second is that the newest song in the top 10 is from 22 years ago so there is a gap for a new festive tune with some Jingle Bells and a few lines about Father Christmas.

Sunday, 3 December 2017

Green's Porn Defence No Defence

I realise that the Government have been losing ministers hand over fist recently and to lose another one would bring on yet another headache for the beleaguered Prime Minister but the defence of Damian Green over claims police found thousands of pornographic images on his parliamentary computer is a bit of a strange one.
Those standing behind Mr Green are blaming the police for revealing the stash of porn they found on his laptop during a 2008 police enquiry into Westminster leaks.
Green at first called the report false but the Met Police detective who discovered the images has since been all over the media to explain exactly what he found and the Green response changed to he never watched or downloaded pornography on the computers seized from his office.
The 'wasn't me guv' defence seems a bit weak and looked even weaker when the Detective said that the although he can't be sure it was Mr Green who had been the pornography: 'The computer was in Mr Green's office, on his desk, logged in. It's his account, his name. In between browsing pornography, he was sending emails from his personal account, reading documents, writing documents'.
Tory MP Jacob Rees-Mogg attacked the Police's decision to comment now, insisting Mr Green has 'nothing to apologise for' and said: 'This undermines the basis of democracy and evidence taken from an improper search, as a matter of justice, should not then be used and it is these police officers who besmirched their office in the police force in the past and are now shaming themselves.'
A Cabinet Office enquiry is now being set up to investigate the allegations and if he lied to cover it up but watching pornography at work, in almost any other employment, would be instant dismissal so I'm a bit confused exactly what is being investigated, he got caught literally red-handed so off he goes surely.

Hating Christmas

Some people love everything about Christmas - the cards, the lights, the decorations, the music while other hate everything about Christmas -  the cards, the lights, the decorations, the music and boy they let everyone know it.
To quote the sentiments of the ultimate Christmas humbug, 'every idiot who goes about with Merry Christmas on his lips, should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart!' but just what do those who share the Scrooge mentality of the Festive period hate so much about it?
Listening to friends and colleagues over the recent weeks the main things i hear moaned about the most include Ugly Christmas jumpers, Christmas music and the playing of it from November, Christmas starting earlier every year, Christmas trees dropping pine needles, the smell of cinnamon everywhere, hectic children, Christmas TV Ads, the constant repeat of Christmas films on TV, Office parties, spending far too much money, Holiday traffic, the loss of the true meaning of Christmas and hordes of shoppers clogging up the shopping centers.
If you are one of those people who use Scrooge as a template for celebrating Christmas then as the nephew said to his uncle Ebeneezer, 'Christmas is as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow-passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys.'
Now put on that Santa jumper and shove a mince pie in your miserable face and get some Christmas spirit.

Saturday, 2 December 2017

The Annual Christmas Build Up

The main thing to realise about a Traditional Christmas is that it is really a month long saga but the lead in to the big day seems to have very little variation each year.
The shopping usually starts once shops start displaying Christmas decorations amidst people moaning about it happening too early and someone at work is belatedly appointed to sort out this years Office Christmas Party.
In mid December the hastily arranged party is held, usually in a Harvester or Wetherspoon and you spend an evening sat next to people you have spent the last 12 months trying to avoid eye contact with. In the time-honoured tradition at least one person will drink too much and either try and snog a colleague or will be sick down themselves and have to be put in a taxi as they are too inebriated to work their own phone. Everyone spends the evening moaning about the venue then gets completely pickled and ends up missing the last bus or train anyway.
Approximately two weekends before Christmas the first of the annual Christmas family rows occur over where the Christmas Tree should go and who packed the lights away so carelessly last year that it takes the best part of an afternoon to untangle them.
Businesses start to wind down as staff abandon all pretence of work to focus on dicking about even more than usual by putting tinsel around monitors, doing online shopping and trying to avoid that guy from IT you snogged at the Christmas Party.
Around the 22nd December women finish wrapping their presents and place them under the tree, the following day men begin their Christmas shopping.
Christmas Eve is in theory a full day of work but in practise this involves most office workers showing their face in work early, making sure they are seen by the boss at some point and then not coming back after lunch.
Christmas Day starts with the woman getting up early to put the turkey in the oven and then do the whole present thing before returning to the kitchen clad in a gaudy Christmas jumper or other recently unwrapped festive apparel while trying to avoid sipping from the cooking sherry.
The afternoon becomes a blur of semi-cooked and burnt food due to being unable to avoid sipping from the cooking sherry followed by washing up to the soundtrack of husband/children looking for batteries.   
Evening brings wine, pudding, port, ice cream, vodka, Christmas Cake, turkey sandwiches and trifle and opening the top button of your jeans and falling asleep in front of the Harry Potter movie.
Boxing Day, the day after Christmas Day, is a Bank Holiday and in the morning most people make an effort to get some exercise to walk off all the previous days indulgences and usually takes the form of shouting at the football on the TV for the men and and cleaning up the kitchen for the women.
Between the 27th-31st December, these days are theoretically work days, but in these days approximately 30 mins of work is done in total before it's New Years and resolutions are made to stop smoking and drinking which last until 10am and the rest of the Bank Holiday is spent watching Bond movies through a haze of cigarette smoke and a sixth bottle of Bacardi Breezer and the realisation
that it is only 10 and a half months until we start it all over again.

Friday, 1 December 2017

Not Fearing The Fascists

While it may be true that not all right wingers are fascists, all the fascists are on the right wing and it is a small hop, skip and goose-step to go from fascist to NAZI and that's Godwin's Law tripped in the first sentence so well done me!
Emboldened by a far right US President who is not only backed by racists but seemingly determined to defend them hence the way it takes him 0.05 seconds to start a twitter feud with any Hollywood actor who points out what an arse he is but two days to not condemn actual Nazis marching on U.S. soil and driving their cars into crowds.
He's probably not actively sieg heiling his way about the Oval Office but you could be mistaken that with the rise of the far-right fascists, it’s only too easy to imagine that we’re witnessing a repeat of the 1930s, having completely failed to learn from history which shows what colossal dicks that side of the politically right proved to be.
It is fair to lump all the far-right under the same swastika but there are consequences to goose-stepping to the tune of the bad guys of WWII, members of the BNP have found themselves sacked after being exposed as being a card-carrying fascist and a chorus of global condemnation follows anytime the supporters of a certain Austrian art school dropout bravely show their covered faces
in public.
The 1930 NAZI's had the advantage of nobody knew just what a bunch of murderous tossers they were but nobody has that excuse today and you should question why, knowing what we know today, why anyone with at least one working brain-cell would want to be associated with them but despite the recent rise in the profile of fascism, i wouldn't fear a revival because Hitler wrote a book that started his ball rolling and looking at the today's right wingers wanting to smash people into equality demanding mush you wouldn't trust them to hold it the right way round let along write one.

What's With Those Christmas Lyrics

The Town's Christmas lights are on, the Tree is in place in the Square and every shop is playing Christmas songs so you can now sing along while you are queueing up to pay for the Mince Pies.
Spending time in a supermarket queue humming along to Frosty The Snowman gives you time to ponder the big questions such as if Frosty is made of snow, should he really be smoking his corncob pipe which will surely make him melt even quicker?
Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree has the line 'dancing merrily in the new, old fashioned way' which is an oxymoron i could do without having to think about in the chilled aisle of Sainsbury's, it’s new or it’s old-fashioned, choose one  or the other.
Band Aid's 'Do They Know It's Christmas' is a Festive staple although the line 'there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time' is factually wrong as it snows every winter in Morocco and is that snow i see on top of Mount Kilimanjaro?
There is also 'Where nothing ever grows/No rain or rivers flow' when the continent has the second longest river in the Nile winding through it along with the Congo river but as it was for charity we can let them slide .
Silent Night is one of the most famous Christmas songs and you can only assume that the lyric 'Round yon Virgin, Mother and Child' is down to a bad translation from the original German that nobody has bothered to correct because i have no idea what this means.
In the current climate of sexual harassment, 'Baby Its Cold Outside' is a creepy song about a woman saying no to sleeping over multiple times while a man persistently tries to persuade her using the weather conditions as an excuse like a meteorological version of Harvey Weinstein. 
The child in 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus' is in for a lifetime of therapy and maybe the person who wrote 'Away in A Manger' had some serious issues as he said: 'Bless all the dear children in Thy tender care And take us to heaven to Live with Thee there', which can only mean 'hey God, you know all those millions of children you are caring for, i'd have no problem with all of them not being alive anymore'.
The sentiment behind 'I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday' is something i could certainly get behind though as December 25th is a Bank Holiday so 365 paid holidays a year really would put a great big smile on everybody's face.

Thursday, 30 November 2017

Becoming A Brit

Not just anyone can become a Brit and although Meghan Markle has decided in order to become a Royal she has to become British she will still have to undergo the barrage of tests before she can ditch the American passport and pop a nice shiny British one into her purse instead.  
Marrying a Brit, even a Prince, will not mean an automatic UK passport so she will have to apply for a fiancee or spouse visa which means she will have to meet a range of suitability criteria, as well as vouching that her and Harry are the real deal, showing they intend to live permanently together in the UK and have a genuine relationship during a visit from immigration.
The betrothed must also meet a minimum income rule, which stipulates that a Briton must earn at least £18,600 a year - or have savings equivalent to £62,500 - to bring their partner to the UK.
Harry will also need to show he can support Meghan without recourse to public funds, and show evidence they have suitable accommodation that is not overcrowded or dangerous.
Ms Markle can then apply for citizenship after she has had three years of lawful residence in the UK as long as she pays the £7,000 in fees and processing.
That's not the end of the process though.
To have the status approved there are a few more hoops to jump through - not least the notorious life in the UK citizenship test, requiring the applicant to swot up on about 3,000 facts and 278 historical dates.
Then she can call herself a Brit but not a Princess as you have to be born into the Royal family to be one of those although whether she carries on being Meghan or uses her real name Rachel is her choice.

No Surprises From The Fascist And Racist President

He wasn't welcome and he cried off because he knew the British were planning to protest against him being here but President Trump and his wandering little hands won't be turning up anytime soon as he burnished his fascist credentials once again by retweeting videos from the ultra right-wing 'Britain First'.
The controversies of the Trump presidency has already put paid to plans for the procession up the Mall and a state banquet amid warnings of mass protests on the streets and almost 2 million Brits signed a petition this year demanding that the President be prevented from making a state visit to the UK.
It has already been delayed, with the President telling the Prime Minister he didn't want to come until the British public supported his coming which as good as meant he would never be over and one government source saying today that it had been kicked into the long grass and the grass was as long as the grass can get.
Quizzed about the tweets by the man supported by white supremacist groups, Theresa May said: 'I'm very clear that retweeting from Britain First was the wrong thing to do' which the man who kept a book of Hitler's speeches on his bedside table replied: 'Don't focus on me, focus on the destructive Radical Islamic Terrorism that is taking place with the United Kingdom. We are doing fine!'
Brendan Cox, the husband of Jo Cox who was murdered by a Britain First supporter, tweeted the perfect reply to the right-wing nutjob: 'You have a mass shooting every single day in your country, your murder rate is many times that of the UK, your healthcare system is a disgrace, you can’t pass anything through a congress that you control. I would focus on that.'
The three videos purported to shows attacks by Muslim migrants have since been revealed to be as fake as his tan with the first showing a Muslim migrant attacking a young Dutch man on crutches. However, a spokesperson from the Dutch Public Prosecution Service said that the person arrested for the attack was born and raised in the Netherlands and was not a migrant.
The second video retweeted by Mr Trump shows a man smashing a statue of the Virgin Mary and was from 2013 and took place in Syria.
The third video originates from the riots that took place in Egypt in 2013, and shows a man being pushed from the top of a building in Alexandria. In 2015, those involved in the incident were prosecuted, and one man was executed.
To be fair the bar is set very low for Donald Trump and giving his approval to a fascist, right wing group is not that unexpected as his racist views are already well known and well received by his simpleton supporters.

Monday, 27 November 2017

Harry's Engaged So Push Out The Bad News Quick!!

The engagement of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, i will be more interested if we get a day off for it otherwise..pffft. 
What we should do is look at what news the Government has slipped out while we are all looking the other way as today is a great day to bury bad news and the Government has a whole sackful of bad news it would like to find far down the news agenda where the spotlight will struggle to get to.
News like how the Brexit Minister has handed over a heavily redacted analysis on how leaving the EU will affect 58 sectors of the economy a day early, with the redacted parts being anything which they perceive as politically embarrassing or not in the national interest and also news from the EU that Brexit is stuttering over the Irish border question.
Then there is also the news which came 21 minutes after the engagement was announced that benefits, frozen for the past four years, will be frozen again for another 12 months from April subjecting 10.5 million households to an average cut of £450 a year and pushing a further half a million more people into poverty but the Government doesn't care because no-one would have been watching anyway, all eyes were on Harry and Meghan.

Thursday, 23 November 2017

Giving Thanks To Sarah Josepha Hale

Today is Thanksgiving Day in America, the day the Pilgrim Fathers turned up in the New World on the Mayflower after bolting from England believing that it wasn't holy enough so setting off to make their own country.
They called it the New World but it wasn't new to the natives who already lived there and in a huge showing of tolerance showed the new guys how to grow wheat because they had turned up empty handed except for William Mullins that is who had packed 126 pairs of shoes but no seeds or equipment.  
The natives held a great feast for the new arrivals and to this day the Americans celebrate Thanksgiving Day but only because an author named Sarah Josepha Hale pushed for it to become a National Event as it had only previously been celebrated in New England.
Sarah Josepha Hale is best known for her nursery Rhyme 'Mary Had A Little Lamb' so what better way to celebrate Thanksgiving than to rewrite her famous lyrics to commemorate both her and the events surrounding Thanksgiving.

Sarah had a little verse
She was Mary's little lamb's author
But she's also best remembered for
Celebrating a reign of death and slaughter

The Pilgrims landed at Plymouth rock
Where the natives were already living        
They showed them how to stay alive
And that's why they celebrate thanksgiving

The Pilgrims thanked them for their feast
In a most ungrateful way
They stole their land and killed them all 
Then called it Thanksgiving Day   

Thank you Sarah.

Wednesday, 22 November 2017

Capitalism And Conservatives Not Working

The Institute for Fiscal Studies has called Britain's economic situation 'pretty grim' and suggests that it will stay this way for the next two decades and calculated that the national debt will not return to pre-financial crisis levels until the 2060s or even later.
IFS director Paul Johnson described the facts that average UK earnings in 2022 could still be less than in 2008 as 'astonishing' and blamed the capitalist system 'not delivering its promise that it raises all the boats'.
Tucked away in yesterdays budge was the UK is expecting to borrow £29.1 billion more by the end of the 2021-22 tax year than it expected and that there are still nearly £12bn of welfare cuts to work through the system'.
It's official then, the hapless Tories have broken Britain with their right wing agenda for not only this decade but the next one too.
They have grown homelessness, inflation, austerity, poverty, suicides, food banks and crisis in all the public services and that's before we consider the craziness that is Brexit.
The two fundamental questions are then how can we remove the Tories who are economically inept that after a decade of austerity cuts, have left us worse off and why are we even still considering going ahead with Brexit?
Even the most fundamental Brexiter can see that is happening and how it makes absolutely no economic sense at all, the vote margin was only 2% and only a minority of the British people really want it, so we need to ask why on earth is the Government not saying it is just not economically viable and ending the biggest mistake in the history of the UK.
As the problems seem to be the failed system we use, Capitalism, a system which falls over with shocking regularity and ruins lives when it does, why do we believe the lies from the capitalists that capitalism was somehow recovering and is the solution to all our problems when it so blatantly isn't and was the cause of them.
Something needs to change because things are not getting any better but the solution seems to be to carry on doing what we are doing and the next three generations suffering for it.

Sunday, 19 November 2017

America Not Meddling Looks Same As Them Meddling

The Hungarian government have accused the U.S. State Department of interfering in the country’s election campaign and has summoned the top American diplomat in Budapest, David Kostelancik to ask him what his country thinks they are playing at.
'No meddling' replied the U.S. 'just providing projects that increase citizens’ access to objective information about domestic and global issues in Hungary'.
In that case if Russia just say they had not been meddling in the US election and had just been making sure American voters had access to objective information about domestic and global issues in America nobody would have a problem with it?
You can't bitch and moan that another country is trying to influence your election when you are actively trying to influence another countries election, that's just hypocritical and makes a mockery of the Democracy which everyone, particularly America, seems so keen to go to war to protect.

Choosing A Religion For The Orang Rimba's

The Sumatran rainforests of Indonesia are home to the Orang Rimba, a community of 3000 people who are having their homes and habitat destroyed to make way for palm oil plantations and as they are forcibly being bought into the general population, in order to integrate into Indonesian society, they are being forced to choose a religion.
'We wanted to send our children to school, but the teacher wanted to see their birth certificates, and for that you have to have a state religion that the government recognises' explained one Tribal Elder as the previously faithless community held a meeting to discuss what Religion they would choose.
Now i'm not religious in the slightest, but if i was forced to choose a religion, there are a few i would discount immediately.
Any of the ones where you have to donate money from your wage packet are out straight away as are the silly ones like Scientology and Mormonism.
Judaism is no good, all that removing foreskins and defending Israel while Islam is a no-no because i don't want to be told what and when i can eat something during Ramadan.
My choice of religion would be one where i don't have to do anything, it doesn't cost me anything and i can live the sort of life i choose and sin left, right and centre but as long as i repent before i take my last breath, i'm in heaven.
Actually, that's the Church of England which as luck would have it is exactly what i am.
As a Church of England member i'm stuffing my face all day long with whatever i find in the fridge, carving images of other Gods on a Sunday while blaspheming like a trooper and covering my neighbours donkey, but as long as i have the split second to repent before i die, i'm going to end up in the same place as all Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Sikhs and all the rest of them.
Doesn't seem fair really when you see what the others have to do but i'm not complaining because the Church of England is the perfect religion because it's a complete blag so i say to the Orang Rimba come join us and you never have to set foot in a Church ever again.

Friday, 17 November 2017

Broadcast Journalists Most Trusted

Due to the more stringent rules of accuracy and due impartiality they have to work under, broadcast journalists have always considered themselves above press journalists who are self-regulating.
UK broadcasters face large fines if they stray from the The Ofcom Broadcasting Code which is why in most polls where the public are asked which news outlet they trust the most, TV news always tops the press.
The latest Ipsi Mori poll asked the public: 'Of all the news sources which ONE source are you most likely to turn to for news you trust the most?' and it was an overwhelming thumbs up once again for broadcast journalism and especially the BBC who were trusted by 57% of the public with ITV trusted by 11%, Sky News and Channel 5 News both 5% and Channel 4 News 3%.
The Press did not come out of it very well at all with the Guardian Newspaper the most trusted with 4% and the Sun the least with a miserly 0.3% of the public believing what they read in the Murdoch red top.
In the brave new World of online news, Google News is the choice for trusted news (5%), then Yahoo News (4.5%), MSN News (4.4%), Twitter (3.8%) and bringing up the rear Facebook who is trusted by 3.7% of the public for trustworthy news coverage.
So if you want to know what's going on, turn on the BBC News Channel.

Thursday, 16 November 2017

First Flat Earther's Get Together

The sound of rattling brain-cells must be deafening in North Carolina as Flat Earther's from across the globe assembled for the first Flat Earth International Conference.
The Flat Earth Website explains that they aim to: 'uncover and debunk pseudo-scientific facts while presenting the true evidence which shockingly points to our existence on a flat, stationary plane'.
Not sure how that worked out for them but it is all based on: 'extensive experimentation, analysis, and research' and a spokesman for the Flat Earther's said we are all being hoaxed by the space agencies who are putting out misleading material about us being on a tiny ball, flying through space.
'Science is gonna have to address this, they cannot dodge us forever' said one Flat Earther blissfully unaware that science can and will indeed not only dodge it forever but laugh at you as it does it.

2018 World Cup Line Up Missing Big Names

The line-up is complete and we can now sit back and wait until June when the World Cup kicks off and the English have the same quadrennial problem of who to support after England is sent packing after the group stage.
We may not be very good but at least we got there which is more than can be said for the other Home Nations and some of the big names who usually grace the Finals but will be kicking their heels at home.
Holland and Italy are the biggest names to miss out along with the reigning South American Champions Chile and Ghana and Ivory Coast are almost always in the pot representing Africa.
The failure of the two Ireland's and Scotland are no shock but Greece are normally making up the numbers as are the USA and after their showing in the Semi-Finals at the European Championship, better was expected from Wales.
Most disappointing is the non-appearance of Turkey because we will not be treated to the commentators telling us about the delights of Anil Koc, the promising Turkish midfielder.
Anyway, onwards and upwards and it's Come on England at least until the second round and then it's the usual game of looking at the family tree for a tenuous family link to another country.

Del Amitri, Hospital Wings And Da Vinci

There is a very poignant line in Del Amitri's 'Nothing Ever Happens' where he laments that 'American businessmen snap up Van Gogh's for the price of a hospital wing' but as the buyer who shelled out £342m for the Leonardo da Vinci painting, 'Salvator Mundi' has opted for privacy, we don't know if he is American or a businessman and it wasn't a Van Gogh but the sentiment remains the same.
As the new hospital wing at Bradford Infirmary cost £28m that's 12 hospital wings and i'm starting to regret the Del Amitri song comparison already but i'm in too far now so let's keep going.
Unless the £342m came from a bank heist or by cheating on their taxes the person with the big cheque book can spend their money how they like and if they think £342m for a 500 year old painting is worth it then it is up to them but the scene at Christie's when the piece sold encompasses everything that is wrong today.
'$450 million, the piece is sold' said the auctioneer and the saleroom erupted into cheers and applause and you have to think there are so many better things you could spend £350m, 12 hospital wings for starters, and why are people applauding that obscene amount of money being spent on a painting as if such extravagance it is something that should be celebrated.
The stupidity and selfishness of the super-rich and the sad state of the World today in a nutshell where over 3 billion people live in poverty and struggle under austerity but spending £350 million is cheered.
Del Amitri may have got the artist and the cost wrong but the sentiment that 'nothing ever happens, nothing happens at all, the needle returns to the start of the song, and we'll all go along like before' is so very true and so very sad.

Wednesday, 15 November 2017

A Chocolate Bar A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

If a hairdresser says eating chocolate for breakfast is good for you then it would be wise to take it with caution but when a scientist says it, wahey, keep the Frosties, where's that chocolate orange!! 
A study from the brilliant minds at Syracuse University, New York have said that eating dark chocolate benefits reasoning, memory and focus and found that eating chocolate prepares you more for your work day and we should incorporate dark chocolate into our breakfast.
Before i had even finished grating a large bar of Aero into my bowl another scientific study landed in my inbox from Tel Aviv University suggesting that eating dessert for breakfast supports weight loss.
Conclusive, cast iron proof then that combining chocolate with dessert for breakfast is beneficial so if anyone asks why you are stuffing your face with chocolate cake and trifle at 7am, it's part of a scientifically backed diet and memory improving program.
That said if a scientist tries to give you advice on a layered crop with a softly arched fringe i'd check with the hairdresser.

Bloodless Correction, Not A Coup

Robert Mugabe once said that only God could remove him from office but it seems nobody told that to the Zimbabwe military as they have not only removed him but locked him in his house for good measure.
The army chiefs who seized the President, his Palace and the state broadcaster claims they had not carried out a coup, preferring to call it a 'bloodless correction' which suits Britain as they couldn't be seen to back a coup, but a correction is something they can get behind.
Foreign Secretary and general clown Boris Johnson called for 'proper, free and fair elections to prevent Zimbabwe transitioning from one unelected tyrant to another' so Mugabe won't be getting any support from his old colonial masters who are quite glad to see the back of him.
It does seem that Mr Mugabe's sacking of vice president Emmerson Mnangagwa last week and steps to replace him with his wife was a step too far, especially as Mr Mnangagwa had some powerful allies in the army who decided they preferred him to Mugabe and leapt into action.
As Mugabe didn't have many friends globally and the other African nations seem quite happy about him being removed from power and locked up in his living room while his wife has run off without a trace, the transition should be quite smooth although following the capture of the TV and Radio the army played hours of military music hopefully the programming may be the roughest thing the Zimbabweans have to endure.

Name Of The Father, Son and Sausage Roll

It's been called sick and insulting that Greggs the Baker's Christmas advert for their advent calendars has the three wise men visiting not a baby Jesus in a manger but a sausage roll.
Predictably it is the few remaining Churchy types who have their rosary beads in a knot and a sense of humour failure and are now calling for a
boycott to: 'protest against its sick anti-Christian Advent Calendar'.
As a vegetarian i should be siding with the Bible bashing community against the sausage roll eating community but i do like a Greggs Latte with a cheese and onion roll and anyway, i am smug enough knowing that what they are eating in the sausage only passes a close resemblance to what we know as 'meat'.     
A Greggs spokesperson said: 'We're really sorry to have caused any offence, this was never our intention' and the UK Evangelical Alliance have taken a calmer approach by saying that there were not so much outraged at the advert but by the using of Bible stories to sell products as Jesus is what should be the focus of Christmas celebrations.
Don't know if the God Botherers would be quite so upset if McDonald's put a Jesus figure in their Happy Meals or you got a Virgin Mary doll in the KFC Bargain Bucket but it's about he only time Jesus will get a mention this Christmas so Greegs have done them a favour.

Monday, 13 November 2017

Black Knight Conspiracy Theory

In space no one can hear you scream but here on Earth they can and back in 1928 scientists heard signals coming from above the clouds and were screaming 'THERE'S A FREAKING SATELLITE UP THERE!!'
They screamed again in 1954 that they had detected something orbiting the Earth pole to pole and that was three years before the freaking thing was something we had put up there. 
How, everyone asked, can something be in orbit around the planet years before we had the technology to put things in orbit around the planet and the only explanation they could come up with was Aliens did it. 
So was born the conspiracy theory known as the Black Knight, a spacecraft in orbit around the Earth that is of extraterrestrial origin, and that NASA is engaged in a cover-up which NASA deny but then of course the conspiracy theorists use as evidence because NASA are engaged in covering it up after-all.
Towards the end of the 1990's a NASA photo is believed by some to show the Black Knight satellite, but NASA has stated that this is just space debris and put out a video of the crew of the Endeavor space shuttle dropping a satellite thermal blanket and it tumbling away into space as they worked on the International Space Station (ISS).
As with any good conspiracy theorists they have refused to believe the official line and the video has been dismissed as faked and an attempt to throw them off the scent because they know that something alien is up there and it's been watching us, patiently waiting and reporting back to some far flung planet just what us silly humans have been doing.

Sunday, 12 November 2017

Fat, Old & A Dotard But Don't Mention The Hair

The children are at it again with Kim Jong Un calling Trump a lunatic, old and a dotard and Trump responded by calling Kim short and fat.
I'm sure Kim is readying his reply and he is spoilt for choice with insults to call the orange skinned, tax dodging sex pest with a tiny penis who mocks disabled people, insults the wives of dead soldiers and is in the pay of the Russians but it is hard to work out where Trump comes in the mental retardation scale.
For a man who often boasts about his IQ, he appears particular stupid but then he also boasts about his business acumen but has been declared bankrupt at least four times so not so much a pinch of salt as a shovelful.    
So if Kim goes with 'women groping idiot' he wouldn't be technically correct as an Idiot is someone with an IQ below 20.
The term 'Russian Patsy Imbecile' is warmer as an imbecile is someone with an IQ between 20 and 49 so it may be safer to go with 'Small Dicked Moron' as a Moron is someone with an IQ between 50 and 69.
Being charitable, Trumps IQ could rock up somewhere between 70-80 which would make him Deficient on the scale so 'Tax dodging, warmongering Deficient' would technically be correct but Dotard means senile decay marked by decline of mental poise and that just about covers it but as his mental poise continues to decay he will slip down through the mental retardation scale anyway.
As Trump is rather obese himself it is a bit rich him calling someone else fat but it was probably not wise to mention Kim's silly hairstyle, that would blow up every irony detector on the planet.

Saturday, 11 November 2017

Facebook Answer To Revenge Porn

Social media has made a fundamental change to the way we live our lives, in some ways it has been beneficial but in others not so much with the major and most devastating impact being cyber-bullying and online harassment.
Not just young girls but also young boys are haunted by what they have posted on the Net sometimes it is what other people have posted, mostly pictures and videos of a sexual nature, revenge porn as it is called.
Facebook have come up with an idea to try and stem the flow of revenge porn by encouraging users to upload intimate material of themselves that they do not want to be shared and use these to stop any attempts to share the same material.
Sending private material to a stranger, albeit a Facebook staff member, in order to prevent that material being seen on Facebook seems a bit confusing and the security implications if a hacker gets into the server doesn't bear thinking about.
The easiest way to avoid the whole scenario is not to video or photograph yourself in any potentially compromising situations but it is good to see that Social Networks are trying something, i'm just not sure that pre-emptively forwarding the pictures or videos to a social media site is a particularly good answer.

Thursday, 9 November 2017

Universal Basic Income Coming To The UK

I still have deep reservations about the Universal Basic Income (UBI) but the radical social experiment which has been running in Finland for the past year is now coming to the UK with Fife in Scotland planning to use the Finnish model and paying their citizens up to £7000 a year regardless of their age or employment status by 2019.
The idea behind UBI is to scrap the welfare state and instead, pay every man, woman and child a monthly stipend whether they have a job or not, regardless of their personal wealth.
In Finland, 2000 people randomly chosen across all demographics have been receiving £495 per month and the trend, albeit from a very small sample, has been that people have reduced their working hours and are doing things more beneficial for society such as volunteering or starting up a business in the knowledge that they are still guaranteed an income.
My query is how could a country afford it but the answer appears to be by folding in all the current elements of the welfare state and the tax relief system.
The UK's Welfare bill is £253 billion, the population is around 60 million which breaks down to approximately £4216.66 per person or £351 per month.
The UK's Tax relief bill is £117 billion, again divided by 60 million Brits breaks down to approximately £1950 per person, or £162 per month.
By abandoning all tax reliefs and state benefits, each person in the UK could receive £513 per month and the UK economy would not be adversely affected.
Using these back of an envelope calculations it is plausible on paper but society is more complex and some will still require additional sums on top of the £513 a month stipend and that is where things get sticky and the bill potentially spirals upwards.
I like and support the idea that it will free people from their jobs and will contribute to society because you don't have to worry about making ends meet but the cost worries me if someone gets their figures wrong because the current austerity measures show the results when that happens and this will be so much bigger.

Wednesday, 8 November 2017

Is It A Bird, Plane Or A Chinese Space Station?

It may be worth having a long, hard look at a photo of the Chinese Space Station just so if it comes crashing through your roof in a few months time you will recognise it.
The Chinese ‘Tiangong-1’ space station is due to come crashing down to earth early in 2018 and The European Space Agency (ESA) has narrowed down the possible crash sites to Spain, Portugal, Italy, Bulgaria or Greece.
The ESA have said that the majority of the spacecraft is expected to burn up on re-entry to Earth's atmosphere but the remaining larger pieces will make it down to the surface although the exact time and location won't be known until shortly before re-entry.
The ESA along with NASA, Roscosmos, JAXA of Japan, ISRO of India, KARI of South Korea and the China National Space Administration are currently tracking Tiangong-1 which is currently orbiting at 190 miles above our heads and traveling at approximately 4.5 miles per second.
The ESA are keen to point out that nobody in history has even been harmed by a returning spacecraft breaking up in the atmosphere and the odds are it will splash down in the sea but if you wake up to a lump of Chinese Space Station smouldering away in your kitchen between January and March 2018, you will know where to send the bill for your roof repairs.

The Cost Of War

The United States has a debt of $20 trillion and almost $6 trillion of that is the cost of wars in Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria and Pakistan since the 9/11 attacks 2001, according to a new study.
Research from the Watson Institute of International and Public Affairs at Brown University found that as of late September, the US wars have cost an approximate $23,386 per US taxpayer and the cost considerations include expenses such as providing long-term medical care for veterans.
The human cost to America is 6,855 dead and 52,251 wounded from US military operations over the past 14 years, according to a 2015 report by the Congressional Research Service.
The cost to the UK for the same wars was £29 billion and you have to ask looking at these countries where we spent so much money but only resulted in increasing international terrorism, the rise of al-Qaeda and ISIS and the millions of innocent deaths, was it worth it because where i am sitting that $6 trillion in America and £29 billion in the UK could have been spent in a far more worthwhile way and we may not be facing the decade of austerity cuts that have devastated society.
Funny how despite the bill in financial and human costs, we always seem willing to start yet more wars.

The Annual Poppy Argument

Every year about this time the Poppy argument breaks out, namely between those who refuse to wear one and those who feel it is disrespectful to not.
According to a survey by researchers Consumer Intelligence, the top reasons given by those who object to pinning the red flower on their person said it was because they felt bullied into supporting the Poppy Appeal, it glorified war and seems to show support for the military.
One in five adults plan to snub the symbolic flower and i am amongst them because i never have worn one and have had more than few 'discussions' with people who try and bully me into it.
I can relate to the 20% of adults snubbing the Poppy because being continually told i should wear one is guaranteed to mean i won't and secondly because i believe that rather than send young men and women off to fight wars and then stand around looking solemn wearing a red flower once a year, just don't send them to fight wars in the first place.
Wearing a poppy used to be about WW1 & WW2 but now it seems to commemorate every war including the wrong-headed ones in Iraq, Afghanistan and Libya and who can say that any war or conflict that Britain has fought since 1945 has been justifiable?
The idea of wearing a poppy seems to have become co-opted by politicians to justify their folly and it has become 'patriotic' but i will not wear something that is used to support wars, either conflicts past or the ones we are currently embroiled in.
The argument is that people gave their lives for our freedom and it is obscene that some of us refuse to honour that debt by not wearing a poppy but i say that the freedoms they fought for includes being free to not be ordered how to honour the war dead by a poppy fundamentalists and if more people thought like me and the 20% who refuse to approve of what our military does, then there wouldn't be the widespread death and destruction that is currently going on around the World.

Priti Patel's Israeli Plan More Than Inappropriate

She may have the name Priti but the MP for Witham is anything but, a renown ultra-right winger, Priti Patel is at the time of writing still holding onto her job but is widely expected to be sacked following her summons to Downing Street.
Priti's crime was to hold 12 secret meetings with Israeli officials and not tell the Government what she was up to, then to make matters worse she said she DID inform the Foreign Office what she was up to and then two days later admitted actually, she never informed anyone and it was 14 meetings.
So far so bad but it is what she was meeting the Israeli's about which really topped it all off, she wanted to give aid to the Israeli military to treat wounded Syrian refugees in the Israeli-occupied Golan Heights region, a request that was turned down as 'inappropriate' by the Government.
To get it straight, she wanted to give tax-payers money to a country who are occupying a part of Syria to treat Syrians who are largely wounded by the Israeli military while protesting against their occupation.    
Inappropriate doesn't even begin to cover it, Israel should be sanctioned to the hilt for what they get up to, it's the funding that America gives them that allows them to keep acting like the unpleasant and repulsive occupiers that they are, that we would have any part in maintaining such an objectionable and poisonous regime in Israel is more than inappropriate, it's just plain wrong. 
Theresa May is having a hard time lately and her cabinet making her look weaker and undermining her at every turn can only usher in another election and new Government, one that will hopefully not keep up the devastating austerity measures while wanting to send our money to one of the most murderous regimes on the planet.
Update: Handed her P45 so gone and hopefully forgotten, next up Boris Johnson!! 

Tuesday, 7 November 2017

Uk Government Wobbling

It was always a case of not if the British Government collapses but when and even the strongest and stablest Government would be tottering under pressure of the past week. 
The sex scandal with the spreadsheet of 40 Tory MP's accused of inappropriate sexual behaviour is refusing to go away, the list of MP's either sacked, walking or desperately keeping their heads down untl it blows over grows everyday.
Accusations from victims that they reported the assaults to May herself when she was Home Secretary but were swept under the carpet continue.
Boris Johnson's thoughtless mutterings may have landed British mum Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe five extra years in jail in Iran after claiming she was carrying out journalism training when she was arrested, blowing a hole in her 'i was there on holiday' alibi while Theresa May and her number two, Derek Hammond, have fallen out in a big way and wasn't helped by May handing one of the
top jobs in Government, Defence Secretary, to her most bullish supporter but someone with no experience over more appropriate candidates leading to a concerted backlash from her Party.  
In a blow to her leadership, Priti Patel, Secretary of State for International Development, has been found to have held meetings with influencers in the Middle East without telling the PM or the Foreign Office and the whole Brexit thing and the ineptitude of the Government in negotiations with the EU reverberate around continuously.
All in all a bad week for Theresa May and her wobbling Government and that isn't be a bad thing because as Governments go, this one has been awful.

Monday, 6 November 2017

Gun Massacre Template

I'm as surprised as anyone but it turns out that guns do kill people, and the best way to kill lots of people in the shortest space of time is to use a rapid fire assault rifle.
Shocking i know but luckily the country that sells guns in supermarkets won't be put off by a little thing like yet another massacre, it is their right to be able to buy weapons with their weekly shop because you never know when us British will  turn up with a box of matches and try to burn down the White House again.
The sticking point is that the right to bear arms is in the constitution and nobody has yet come up with a way to amend the constitution, an amendment or some such thing.
Anyway, there are so many gun massacres in the USA these days that it is hard to keep finding ways to express the shock and horror that in a country awash with guns and whack-a-doodle gun laws, the occasional loony tune goes on a rampage and shoots lots of people in churches, schools, shopping centres and cinemas.
To save time i have a designed a template to copy and paste each time.

America, we are shocked and stunned that there has been yet another mass shooting, this time in [insert US city] where a mad man/men [delete as applicable] with access to high powered weapons brutally gunned down [insert number] and wounded [insert number].
Your current President [insert President surname] has said that this isn't the time to talk about gun control so close to [insert number] being killed in [insert city] just as it wasn't after [insert number] where killed in [insert city].
As this is the latest mass shooting since [enter last mass shooting], we are pretty sure that this time your Government will finally pay attention and look into gun control and your utterly bat shit crazy gun laws.  
Failing this, i am sure that the gun-nuts will be out in force putting forward the argument that what is needed is more of the weapons that were used to massacre people as they went about their business in [insert place of massacre] but that is the argument of [insert name for butt] whom put their right to bear arms above the right to not be violently blown away in a [insert scene of latest mass shooting], the [insert name for male genitals].

Sunday, 5 November 2017

The Paradise Papers

Kind of ironic that as i was gathering together the evidence to take to my agent for my Tax Return, news broke of a leak of 13.4m files that expose the world’s biggest businesses, heads of state and global figures in politics, entertainment and sport sheltering their wealth and avoiding paying tax in secretive tax havens.
Called The Paradise Papers, the leak is from two offshore service providers and the company registries of 19 tax havens and is currently in the hands of the German newspaper Süddeutsche Zeitung, the International Consortium of Investigative Journalists and the Guardian, the BBC and the New York Times.
The first revelations focus on the Queen's private estate investing millions in an offshore tax haven, Donald Trump's commerce secretary continued business links with a company owned by Vladimir Putin's daughter and son in law, two Russian state institutions with close ties to Vladimir Putin funding substantial investments in Twitter and Facebook through a business partner of Donald
Trump’s son-in-law and senior White House adviser Jared Kushner.
Also in the spotlight are the chief fundraiser and senior adviser to the Canadian prime minister, Justin Trudeau, who is involved in the movement of millions of dollars to offshore tax havens, the business manager of INXS star Michael Hutchence’s setting up a company in the tax haven of Mauritius and the close financial relationship between Premier League Clubs Arsenal and Everton.
Expected to be dripped out over weeks and even months, the owners of the Paradise Papers promise to release further revelations of aggressive tax avoidance by multinational corporations, including Nike and Apple, extensive offshore dealings by Donald Trump’s cabinet members, advisers and donors and how some of the biggest names in the film and TV industries protect their wealth with an
array of offshore schemes.
The documents stretch back 70 years and it must be mentioned that in most cases there is no evidence of wrongdoing and it is perfectly legal to reduce your tax bills, that said the moral implications and potential embarrassment that multi-millionaires are jumping through a multitude of hoops to reduce the amount of tax they pay could be a problem for them.
The big problems could be for those who now have the spotlight shone on some of their links with less than favourable people.

Remember, Remember The 5th of November

Back in days of yore, one of the finest British traditions was tying people to poles and setting fire to them but in the early 17th Century, as well as women with warts and Frenchies, we added Catholics to the potential burnee's list after Guy Fawkes tried to blow up the Houses of Parliament and along with it King James.
We have always remembered the anniversary to this day although due to Health and Safety rules we can no longer burn real Catholics and have to make do with burning effigies instead.   
The gunpowder plot was a comedy of errors as the original date of Parliament opening was delayed until November due to the plague so the first batch of 36 gunpowder barrels had decayed so they had to wheel in more and the plot was overheard by a soldier on the other side of the wall of the cellar they were using and then one of the conspirators wrote to his MP friend telling him to stay away from Parliament on the 5th as they were going to blow it up. 
The letter went to King James himself and Guy Fawkes was caught red handed entering the cellar below Parliament with a match and he was charged with high treason and the judge ordered that he be  drawn by horse to the gallows where he would be hung until he was halfway between living and dead, then his genitals would be cut off and burnt before his eyes and his bowels and heart removed. Then he would be decapitated and his quartered and the dismembered parts of the body displayed so that they might become prey for the fowls of the air.
The execution didn't go to plan as after the initial drawn part of the sentence, the hanging broke Fawkes neck killing him instantly but undeterred, the Government still had his genitals removed and burnt before quartering him between four horses and gutted anyway.
Ever since, 5 November has always been called Guy Fawkes Night or Bonfire Night and it became the custom to burn an effigy of whichever public figures have become targets for the public's ire, Margaret Thatcher was always popular in the 80s but George W Bush and Tony Blair were regular recipients in recent years and Donald Trump was by far the most popular effigy last year and the countries largest bonfire in Lewes have gone with Trump again this year and partnered him with a giant Harvey Weinstein, two very deserving targets.

Saturday, 4 November 2017

Christmas Coming Soon

It's starting to look a lot like Christmas especially as the posters are now up advertising the big turn on the City Christmas lights next week, something that used to be performed by the Lord Mayor but now has morphed into a contest between rival cities into who can get the biggest stars to count backwards from 10 and push a button.
If i had my way i would push the whole of the my Councils 2018 education budget towards Johnny Depp and get him to do ours which may explain why i was asked to leave the Council meeting, that and stealing the stationary.
So instead of having to explain to the kids why they had to share pencils and school dinners would consist of a small bowl of lentils next year, the Council decided in their wisdom to get a former page 3 model and the striker from the local football team.
Along with the lights every city seems to now have a German Market which is a few huts selling mulled wine and hot dogs with German sounding sausages which are about as German as a didgeridoo.
Santa will usually put in an appearance and the local radio station will turn up and play Christmas songs and a general Festive atmosphere will settle over the city.
Strangely, i have yet to hear a Christmas song yet, usually by the first week on November i am on my fifth or sixth hearing of  Slade's 'Mery Christmas Everyone' in shops but this year they have been a bit slow to throw out the Halloween stuff and bring out the Christmas fayre.
I'm sure once the former Page 3 Girl has done her bit the shoppers paradise which is Christmas will land with a thump and as our Council has this year decided to use the money they have saved hiring Johnny Depp to install a ice rink in the middle of the Town Centre, i'm sure Slade's Christmas favourite will put in an appearance, probably as the medic is lifting me off the rink into the back of the ambulance with my leg pointing the wrong way.

Friday, 3 November 2017

Move Or Buy A Boat

When UN climate negotiators meet for summit talks this month the over-riding message is going to be if you thought a rise in global temperature of 2C was going to be bad, how about that 3C we are currently barrelling towards. 
'We find ourselves in a situation where we are not doing nearly enough to save hundreds of millions of people from a miserable future' said the UN Environment Chief, Erik Solheim, ahead of the Bonn conference.
Many will be wondering as 3C seems to be were we are heading, where exactly will the miserable hundreds of millions come from and the UN has provided a handy guide to the cities we will be waving goodbye to by 2100.
The people of Japan have more than their fair share of disasters and it is Osaka and its 5.2 million population who will be watching their city disappear beneath the sea in a 3C world.
The Osakians may be looking for a new place to live but they shouldn't look towards Shangahai in China because they have their own problems with 18 million people displaced by rising sea levels.
The Mekong Delta in Vietnam already have homes on stilts due to flooding but even that won't be enough for the 17.5 million people who live there and Bangladesh will have to find a new Capital City as Dhaka is swallowed up by the Ganges, shifting the 14.5 million who live there to pastures new. 
Egypt as a new start is out because flooding along the Nile will make 8 million people homeless, displaced by flooding in Alexandria and the Nile Delta.  
On the other side of the World, the Christ the Redeemer statue may be the only thing left visible in Brazil's Rio de Janeiro region as 1.8 million people have to make way for the Atlantic Ocean that has rolled over their homes and in Miami, Florida strengthening hurricanes will no longer be a problem for it's 7 million inhabitants, as there will no longer be a Miami, Florida unless you plan to live in a submarine. 
In Venice, Italy, they have a double problem because not only are water levels in the Adriatic Sea rising, but Venice is also sinking and although the Netherlands has been battling against the North Sea for hundreds of years, the rising sea will overwhelm even the hardiest of dikes with Rotterdam and its 1 million inhabitants the first to have the problem of a hill to run to in an entirely flat country.
The highest place above sea-level in the World and therefore where the rising oceans will reach last, is the region of Puno in Peru so buying a bed and breakfast in Puno and cramming as many cheeseburgers as you fit into your freezer in Puno may be an astute financial move as there could well have 7 million Floridians turning up there soon.

Tuesday, 31 October 2017

Ghostbusting Tonight

Back in 1984, Ray Parker Jnr posed the question that 'If there's somethin' strange in your neighbourhood, Who ya gonna call?
As we are now at the one day of the year when the veil that separates the living and the dead is at its thinnest, Ray's question is even more relevant but as the emergency services are bound to be busy dealing with the multitude of calls that 'there's somethin'  weird an' it don't look good', we should be prepared to deal with the visit from one of the living dead ourselves. Luckily, we have decades of horror films and Buffy The Vampire Slayer to fall back on so here's a handy guide on the best way to stay safe this Halloween night.

Witches
By far the most popular Halloween character you may encounter is a Witch. Although they may possess the power to turn you into a toad, witches were killed by the thousand back in medieval times and are basically just warty women with pointy hats and a broom so if a woman with a big nose and dressed all in black climbs through your window on Halloween, a blunt object to the head should
cool her heels permanently.

Vampires
Vampires are the living dead, forced to feed on the livings blood. They fear sunlight, the cross, fire and a stake through their hearts. Their weakness is they always only go for the neck jugular so either sleep with a crucifix and a stake within handy grasp or wear a neck brace.

Skeletons
A skeleton reanimated by the dark arts offers the challenge of how to stop something with no brain or organs. Throwing anything at it is pointless as it will sail through between the rib-cage but the skeleton major weakness is that it is basically made of dog treats so entice the family pooch to sleep on your bed and within seconds of putting in an appearance, vital parts of it will be buried in the garden by an excited Rover.

Werewolves
Come the full moon anyone can change into a ferocious werewolf which can only be killed by a silver bullet. Unless there is a full moon this Halloween evening you are safe from having your intestines being used to decorate your bedroom walls. If it is a full moon then a silver bullet is your only salvation so you better start melting down that cheap jewellery.

Demons
Demons come in many shapes and forms but they all have something in common, they can be killed in many ways from fire to decapitation. They may come from hell and be super strong but they tend to be easily distracted. The old "Look out, behind you" ploy will give you more than enough time to grab a handily concealed battle axe and remove it's ugly head.

Killer Dolls
Sometimes the best things don't come in small packages such as dolls possessed by the spirit of a dead serial killer.
As cute as they are scary, the achilles heels for any type of doll intent on driving your mums best carving knife repeatedly into you is that no matter how evil it is, its still doll sized and can be launched across the room with a swift kick. As it is only held together with a few stitches, it will only take a few of these until its limbs fall off, it's stuffing comes out and all that remains is a pile of material and dead serial killer wishing he had possessed something a bit more substantial.  

Ghosts
Ghosts are just rubbish. They can’t hurt you and the only thing they can do is make scary noises. This can ruin a good night’s sleep, but it can’t hurt you.

Killer Clowns
A relative newcomer to the hall of horrors but though they may look funny with their squirty flowers and big red noses make no mistake, while some will do no more than honk their horn at you, others will rip off your head and spin it on a wobbly pole for the rest of eternity. Luckily, clowns have a liking for oversized shoes which can be easily nailed to the ground and a good shove will render them useless although beware cream-pies, over-sized hammers or buckets of confetti in their hands as you make your escape

Monster Created From Parts Of Corpses
Not as popular as they previously once were but we shouldn't neglect mad scientists stitching together body parts from dead people and hooking them up to a bolt of lightening. The first problem is that it is hard to get the body parts from many different sources to fit correctly, one leg may be longer than the other, the head may be too big for the body so they have problems with co-ordination
but their main weakness are their own insecurities, Frankenstein just wanted to be loved. A few put downs and ridiculing their appearance should send them running blubbing out of the room.  

Zombies
Zombies are the walking dead but their biggest drawback is they are as dumb as a post and unless you are wearing boots, trousers and a coat made from lead, you could easily outpace the slowcoaches before they get the chance to eat your brain. Fire or a bullet in the brain will stop them in their tracks.

Mummies
Mummies are just zombies wrapped up in bandages, which makes it slower and more flammable than a regular zombie. Hopeless.

Robots
Probably the least welcome thing you could find looming over you in the dead of night is a robot. Whether they are cyborgs from the future, aliens or escapees from a local tourist attraction out to kill all of mankind, robots are notoriously hard to kill.
Not only are they metallic, but they are always immensely strong and impervious to fire, bullets, hitting with blunt objects or swords and have clear, logical thought which anticipates your every move.
You cannot outrun it so the only chance you have is to confuse it's circuits with some bizarre and confusing logic that will fry it's computerised brain trying to figure out. Reading out the lyrics to any REM song will work fine.

If the abomination that has made the journey into our world is anything else, then i suggest taking up Ray Jnr's advice of picking up the phone and calling Ghostbusters although to be honest, you will probably be in 27 bits spread around the living room before the first ring.