Thursday, 26 April 2018

Lucy Museum of Musicians - The Platters

Qualification to The Lucy Museum of Musicians who deserve entry to Lucy's Museum of Musicians is they must have a minimum of three songs which would make me turn up the radio if they came on.

The Platters 
Qualifying Songs: My Prayer, Only You, Smoke get in Your Eyes

There are many arguments about the greatest ever male singing voice but you would need to go a long way to find anything better than the silky vocals of Tony Williams who is mainly the reason this band make it into my museum.
The sublime ballad 'Only You' is the ultimate love song and not far behind it is 'Smoke Get's In Your Eyes' which is more of a vehicle for William's soaring voice without the vocal backing of the rest of the group who to be honest were just making up the numbers.
'My Prayer' sounds very similar to 'Only You' but Williams let's rip with his voice and halfway through, the key change makes the hairs on your arms stand up, it really is that good.
Such was Williams influence that when he left the group the record label refused to release any more Platters records and just released their previous songs with Williams singing.
The joy of the Platters is that their ballads are not break up songs but rather celebrate being in love and being with someone you cherish and quite rightly are still one of the most successful vocal groups ever with a string of hits that prove the label is correct even if Tony Williams, essentially, was The Platters.

Wednesday, 25 April 2018

Lucy Museum of Musicians - The Offspring

Qualification to The Lucy Museum of Musicians who deserve entry to Lucy's Museum of Musicians is they must have a minimum of three songs which would make me turn up the radio if they came on.

The Offspring
Qualifying Songs: Come Out & Play, Want You Bad, The Kids Aren't Alright

The Offspring were part of the pop-punk band thing in the 1990's but they had been around since 1984 so they were not an overnight success.
Like almost every Offspring song, 'Come Out and Play' is a fast paced pop punk piece and this is considered their breakthrough song and has a cool Arabian guitar riff going on.
'The Kid's Aren't Alright' is again another fast paced pop punk song and a play on The Who hit 'The Kid's Are Alright', the Offspring obviously thought otherwise.
'Want You Bad' follows the same Offspring formula but it isn't until you actually listen to the lyrics and see the video with girls shaking cans of cola which then explode all over them that you realise what the song is about, yep, it's about that.

New Arsenal Manager Shortlist

Since Arsene Wenger announced that his 22-year spell at Arsenal will end this summer, the search has been on between fans over who will replace him in the Emirates dug-out next season.
The current favourite is former Barcelona manager Luis Enrique after previous favourite Carlo Ancelotti seemed to remove himself by making eyes and cooing noises at the Italian FA for the national job.
Enrique would be assured a warm Gunners welcome as would second favourite Joachim Low of Germany but the welcome would be a lot more lukewarm for Celtic manager Brendan Rodgers who is worryingly third favourite at the moment.
Also included on the Stan Kroenke shortlist is Massimiliano Allegri of Juventus, Ralf Rangnick of RB Leipzig, Rafael Benitez of Newcastle, Bournemouth's Eddie Howe, Eusebio Di Francesco of Roma, Leonardo Jardim of Monaco and Atletico Madrid's Diego Simeone.
The scribbled names on the piece of paper in Kroenke's greasy little hand will grow shorter as managers rule themselves out but as long as we don't hear the words 'Brendan Rodger' and 'new Arsenal manager' in the same sentence before August then i think Arsenal fans will be happy with any of them on the shortlist but i hope the Arsenal board will be fluttering their eyelashes at Luis Enrique just that bit more than the others.

British Welcome For Trump In July

The whispers are that the Government are looking for an opportune moment between the latest crisis of their making to make an unpopular announcement, when Donald Trump will make his much delayed appearance in Britain. 
If the whispers are to be believed then the protest banners will be getting an airing in mid-July but it won't be the full enchilada with a procession up the Mall and a state banquet amidst warnings of mass protests on the streets and the 2 million Brits who signed a petition demanding that the President be prevented from making a state visit to the UK.
The July trip would likely be a lower-key working visit and recently the London Mayor and Trump critic, Sadiq Khan, said that if he does ever turn up on our shores then he should expect "people who want to express their views loudly and peacefully to the President'.
The problem protesters face is which aspect of the flawed President their banner should focus.
As luck would have it there have already been protests about the 3rd fattest President so we could go for the Russian angle with Trump and Putin kissing and the 'making Russia great again' tagline.
Others have gone for the Russian Prostitute golden shower games with 'Dont Pee On Me' and 'Pee Brain' while other have chosen to mock his silly hair, 'We shall overcomb' is a particular favourite as is 'There Will Be Hell Toupee'.
His teeny, tiny penis hands also get an airing with 'Keep your tiny hands off human rights' and a very inventive 'Can't Build A Wall, His Hands Are Too Small' hits two birds with one stone.
Some have gone for the obvious with 'Donald Trump Is A Vulgar Fat Pig' which is true but probably isn't the catchiest phrase, while his weirdly orange coloured skin is an obvious target, 'Go Home Cheeto' a popular phrase but a bit of thought went into 'ImPEACH the ORANGE'.
The best option is to hit as many as possible in one go as this guy did with his banner which read 'A sex-fiend, racist and liar walk into a bar and the bartender says 'what'll it be Mr President?
All great and i look forward to reading some of these when Putin's pal arrives, if he has not been impeached by then obviously.

Tuesday, 24 April 2018

Lucy Museum of Musicians - Nirvana

Qualification to The Lucy Museum of Musicians who deserve entry to Lucy's Museum of Musicians is they must have a minimum of three songs which would make me turn up the radio if they came on.
Qualifying Songs: Lithium, Smells Like Teen Spirit, Heart Shaped Box

Some bands take their time to get going but Nirvana peaked at the very beginning and then never reached the same lofty heights again with the slide from the amazing 'Nevermind' to the less than amazing 'Unplugged in New York' shows just how far they dropped.
'Smells Like Teen Spirit' introduced them to the World and kick-started the whole grunge thing and a fine song to do it even if the song name comes from a brand of deodorant.
'Lithium' continued the trademark Nirvana sound of slower and quieter verses with a fast and loud chorus and the three choruses to Lithium contained Kurt screaming 'Yeah' 25 times which must be some sort of record to sing 'Yeah' 75 times in a shade over four minutes.
'Heart Shaped Box' has the line 'I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn black' which i guess to Cobain's drug addled brain was just a very convoluted way to say I Love You, which is romantic, sort of.
When a band are cut off early as Nirvana were, you do wonder what would have been yet to come but you kinda know with Nirvana that the 'Nevermind' Album and the amazing singles from it were as good as it was ever going to get from them. 

Monday, 23 April 2018

Lucy Museum of Musicians - Muse

Qualification to The Lucy Museum of Musicians who deserve entry to Lucy's Museum of Musicians is they must have a minimum of three songs which would make me turn up the radio if they came on.

Qualifying Songs: Assassin, Knight of Cydonia, Plug In Baby

The story goes that Muse's American label did not consider singer Matt Bellamy's vocals 'radio-friendly' and did nothing to promote them stateside until 2005 after which time they had racked up a great back catalogue and following elsewhere so America missed out on most of Muse's biggest early hits and the band have since moved on to a less guitar wailing sound so that's their loss.
Although an amazing guitarist, Bellamy's vocal are admittedly a bit different to the norm (he's from Devon you know) but they go with the rather quirky nature of the band but while America missed out the rest of us got them in their best years. 
'Assassin' is a frantic drum and guitar nosebleed and 'Knights of Cydonia' is much the same although once i read that the drum beat is based on a horses gallop, i always visualise a knackered horse at the end of it.
'Plug In Baby' was deservedly voted by Guitar magazine readers as the number 1 ultimate guitar riff of the 2000s and it is exceptional even if nobody knows what the songs about but the video has bits of broken robotic women in it so let's go with that.   
Muse are easily the best thing to come from Devon since...ummm...erm...hmmm....

Why Abortion Intimidation Shouldn't Work

Nine councils in England are setting up abortion clinic buffer zones to protect women from anti-abortion protesters after a rise of intimidating behaviour by religious groups including name calling, confronted with oversized distressing pictures of aborted foetuses and filming women entering and leaving the clinics and streaming live on Facebook.
Ealing council in west London has became the first local authority to apply a public spaces protection order (PSPO) for 100 yards around the Marie Stopes clinic to protect women from distress and intimidation.
Council spokesman described the spread of anti-abortion tactics as deeply worrying and said that in recent years protests have become more regular, wider spread and more intimidating with groups of people approaching women and trying to talk to them about their personal medical decisions.
Nottingham council have sought an injunction against 40 Days for Life, a Christian movement, after they held vigils outside the abortion clinic at Queen’s Medical Centre in Nottingham and but explained that they are only there to pray and offer help or alternatives to abortion.
Abortion is a life changing decision and far too important for other people to decide, whether they be religious fanatics with a placard or well meaning pro-life campaigners.
It should only be the decision of the people directly involved with the help of professional advice and then be left to make their own decisions and deal with the consequences if necessary but mostly it is far too important a decision to have someone else try to intimidate a woman into what they can and can't do with their own bodies because of their own beliefs.

Another Royal

Hooray, Britain has another Royal because we haven't got enough of those already!

Sunday, 22 April 2018

Lucy Museum of Musicians - Mötley Crüe

Qualification to The Lucy Museum of Musicians who deserve entry to Lucy's Museum of Musicians is they must have a minimum of three songs which would make me turn up the radio if they came on.

Mötley Crüe 
Qualifying Songs: Shout At The Devil, Too Young To Fall In Love, Wild Side

Between the massive substance abuse, sexual escapades and general decadence, Mötley Crüe somehow put out some cracking rock songs in the 80s although they were relatively unknown this side of the Atlantic.
Mick Mars pounding guitar riffs dominates on all their songs and 'Shout At The Devil' starts with a pounding riff driven intro and because the lyrics include the word 'Devil', religious types alleged it encouraged Devil worship but it was more likely to encourage deafness as it is a song that if the neighbours aren't banging the wall and screaming at you to turn that racket down, you aren't playing it loud enough.
'Too Young To Fall In Love' is another guitar and drum dominated song about being too young to fall in love obviously and 'Wild Side' takes a poke at the religionists who decried their previous Beelzebub themed song and throws every religious term into it and mangles part of the Lord Prayer, take that Bible bashers. 
The songs may sound as good today as they did back then but the video's scream 80's Hair Band which reminds you why the 80's was not the friend of wannabe cool rock bands.

Exorcisms Kerching!!

It's enough to make your head spin, literally, but the Roman Catholic Church are offering a week-long course in exorcism, titled: 'Exorcism and Prayer of Liberation' for all your demon-banishing needs.
So what do you get from the course except a €300 shaped hole in your bank account?
Wannabe exorcists learn about issues they might encounter, including recognising the devil, differentiating between possession and mental disorders, and legal protections for exorcists because flying crucifixes can hurt.
You will also learn how to perform the traditional exorcism techniques such as sprinkling holy water and chanting Bible passages in Latin and in a new, modern twist, exorcism by mobile phone.
An estimated half a million people seek exorcisms each year in Italy alone, and the demand for exorcisms worldwide is growing, according to the Catholic Herald newspaper.
At the end of the exorcism course you get a certificate which allows the newly qualified exorcist to apply for a license which allows them to raise a cross against the powers of darkness.
If you are unfortunate enough to find yourself spraying green vomit at family members or doing unmentionable things under the blankets with the crucifix, remember that a license holding, trained exorcist is unlikely to charge anything for banishing your demons although a donation is expected for all that effort of relieving you of your sanity, judgement, dignity and large wads of cash.